Fear of judgement.

Have you ever thought of writing something and eventually wrote nothing about it? A couple of thoughts came through my mind this week. They could be something worthy to write about. Somehow, I missed them due to fear of judgement. It’s a pity. Suppressing my thoughts defeats the purpose of having this blog. I used to write a lot until postpartum kicked in six months ago. I’ve shared how difficult for me in getting back to writing routine on previous posts. They are not exhaustive. People used to say we know ourselves best.

Perplexed, it’s not a joke that I am still in pursuit of getting to know ‘me’ and putting a meaning behind every struggle .

I couldn’t help but emphasise the importance of self-reflection in building self-awareness. What’s bothering me from writing my thoughts out loud? What am I afraid of? What has changed? It’s inevitable that my inner voice has been playing on me.

Feeling lonely since postpartum (I am not the only one! Emma’s Diary), I spend most of my time conversing with my inner voice than with anyone else. Whether I am feeding, changing little nappies, playing with my little one, running house chores, or enjoying some down time, my mind has been playfully chatty. Not complaining, I needed this to keep me going.

On the upside, my inner voice encourages me to be the best mother I can be and persistently feeding positive vibes in curbing obstacles. “This too, shall pass” is one of my favourite lines in pushing me through difficult moments. Having said that, my inner voice is also my greatest critic. There is the self-defeating part of me that constantly negotiate my confidence level down. The resonance of “you cannot have it all” plays over and over. This magnifies something will go wrong without sacrifice made as a mother. Above all, someone from somewhere is going to judge you.

Not oblivion of my inner voice, my mission to write everyday is gradually deflating. Overpowering thoughts are very often talked down into moderation. Fear of judgement builds up over time. Today, I question my guts to being more vocal in writing. Be it lonely, be it a dispute between an angel and a devil, what’s wrong with having my voice heard?

Doubtlessly, it’s easy to pen down words. Nonetheless, what’s the point of writing if thoughts are inhibited from the way they are? Impeccable content comes from genuine thoughts and bold writing. If I cannot convince myself in any of those, how can I convince my audience? Indeed great thoughts are worth sharing. I am better off writing a meaningful piece than not.